Queen, Pope
appeal for violence
by our Drumcree correspondent, Will March

Queen Elizabeth and Pope John Paul have both appealed for violence at this year's Drumcree parade. "The politics of the 16th century remain close to our heart," said Queen Elizabeth in a statement yesterday. "We urge all our loyal subjects in Portadown to remember their history by endlessly repeating it as violently as possible."

Meanwhile the Pope has offered a personal message of support to Gravaghy Road Residents Spokesman Brendan McKenna.
"As far as this issue is concerned," said the ailing pontiff yesterday, "Christ's message is 'bomb your neighbour'.

Stop Press: Drumcree breakthrough rumoured
There are rumours of an early solution to the Drumcree crisis today after it emerged that Harold Gracey has booked a fortnight for two to Ibiza departing July 14th.
When advised by our reporter that Ibiza is full of pill-popping clubbers, Mr Gracey replied "Everybody else takes drugs, so why shouldn't I?"

Windfall for local boy
by our media correspondent, Paige Green

Craigwell Avenue youngster Liam O'Farrell is celebrating a windfall yesterday after Boston Herald reporter Brad Cheeseburger paid him £500 to pose for this incredibly cliched 'troubles'-type photograph.

"He offered us £1000 if Liam would put a flower in the barrel of the gun," explained Liam's father Patrick to our reporter yesterday. "But the soldier couldn't keep a straight face. Besides, I don't want people thinking my son's some kind of poof."

Councillor Jones gets to work
by our politics correspondent, Jim Hacker

Newly-elected councillor David Jones has denied that his Orange Order links will jeapardise the local economy. "I am not a single-issue candidate, and will treat all my official engagements with the sensitivity expected of a true Son of Orange" said Mr Jones, speaking at a European investment conference in the Civic Centre this morning.
He then presented the German delegate with a video of "The Dambusters", and goose-stepped across the car park.

Vatican sends Holy Water Cannon
by our security correspondent, Roger Base

Security sources have welcomed the arrival of a Holy Water Cannon from the Vatican City.
"Spraying Holy Water on Orangemen is pretty much like spraying ordinary water on them," admitted RUC officer Bill Mason yesterday. "But it will really annoy them, and that's the main thing."

Residents accuse media
by our media correspondent, Paige Green

Garvaghy Residents have accused the world's media of 'blatant triumphalism'.

"Who do these people think they are?" asked GRRC spokesperson Darren O'Hagan yesterday. "Coming into our neighbourhood in their 4x4s, prancing around in front of the cameras all fit and beautiful and smartly dressed."
"Say what you like about the Orangemen," added Mr O'Hagan. "At least they're as ugly as we are."

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Army demands
better-looking women
by our security correspondent, Roger Base

The army has criticised civilian authorities for failing to provide soldiers with attractive women to look at during the Drumcree crisis.

"I've got 3,000 squaddies camping out in a field in July," explained Lieutenant-Colonel Julian Sandhurst, OC at the Mahon Fort, "and what have they got to keep their spirits up: Dara O'Hagan. It's completely unacceptable."

The Northern Ireland Office confirmed last night that it is considered shipping attractive women into the Portadown area for the duration of the crisis. "We're also investigating the theory," added the spokesman, "that Portadown's young men would spend less time throwing rocks at each other if they'd some chance of a decent shag."

Orange Order awarded
Victimhood Status
by our victimhood correspondent, Sue Mone

The Orange Order has been granted Official Victimhood Status at this year's Guardian Victimhood Awards in London.
"For many years the Orange Order spurned the idea of victimhood, associating it with moaning fenians going on and on about every tiny little thing like it was the end of the world," said awards presenter Jon Snow.

"However, the Orange Order's standing in society is now so low that we feel obliged to award it victimhood status anyway."
Mr Snow then presented Harold Gracey with a certificate confirming the Orange Order as "A Victim of its own Stupidity."

Killicomaine march passes off peacefully
by our Killicomaine correspondent, Barry Dogshit

The traditional republican July march through the loyalist Killicomaine housing estate passed off peacefully last night. Residents came out to enjoy the spectacle as several hundred Catholics walked down Ulsterville Avenue banging bodhrains, waving tricolours and shouting "Up the IRA you Orange bastards!"

Local resident Tania McFattridge looks forward to the Republican parade every year. "Killicomaine was a Catholic neighbourhood before the Reformation, you know," she told our reporter yesterday. "So really we can't complain. It makes you wonder why they make such a fuss over Drumcree."

Flanagan welcomes overtime
by our security correspondent, Roger Base

RUC Chief Constable Sir Ronnie Flanagan has described the Drumcree dispute as "a second Christmas" for his officers.
"As Orangemen like to point out, everyone in the RUC just loves the chance to make an extra few hundred pounds at this time of year," said Sir Ronnie yesterday.

"Obviously there's the small matter of risking your life, your family's life, possibly losing your home, suffering incredible stress, witnessing appalling violence and sinking into hopeless depression as the country you've sworn to serve spirals needlessly into anarchy. But if that's what it takes to pay off the sofa, then who really gives a fuck, eh?"

Apology
The Portadown News apologises unreservedly to Orange Order spokesman David Burrows for an article published last week in which we called him "A little Hitler". We completely accept that any resemblence between Mr Burrows and Hitler is purely physical, and deeply regret any offence this may have caused to the people of Germany.

There will be no Portadown News next week. The Editor is going down South to try and get his weapon inspected.