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Stock market
crisis
"A large amount of money which only ever existed in theory is now thought to have never existed at all", explained local accountant Angus Charterbean to our reporter yesterday. Meanwhile, Craigavon Area Hospital has reported an increase in casualty patients due to the crisis. "Most buildings in Portadown are only two storeys high," said a hospital spokesman this morning, "so a lot of the people trying to kill themselves are just breaking their legs."
by our local government correspondent, Sharon Idlebone
Expensive conferences weren't organised, pointless leaflets weren't printed, planning officials weren't bribed, and tourism was inadequately promoted. The Portadown News also understands that no additional 'Disabled Parking' spaces were created during an entire 24-hour period. "Thank god the social workers didn't come out in sympathy", said one local resident yesterday, "or we'd all have been starving in the streets."
Floods hit Ormeau
"A large quantity of water came through our area without first seeking dialogue", explained Resident's Committee Staff Officer Paddy Rice yesterday. "As a result, we have asked the Flood Tribunal to monitor the situation." "From now on", warned Mr Rice, "there'll be no precipitation without participation."
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Peace Wall Street, the bustling heart
of Portadown's financial district, has been rocked by a series of
major accounting scandals.
Civilisation teetered on the brink of
collapse this week as council workers staged a one-day strike.
Across the Portadown Council area, normal life ground to a
halt as vital public services ceased to function.
Residents have mounted a protest after last weekend's heavy
rain led to wet feet on the Lower Ormeau
Road.