There was mayham at the Civic Centre last Saturday night after the weekly 'Cleft' Christian youth event was raided by the RUC.

The Civic Centre

Carson McFarland, lead guitarist with popular Christian rock group 'Enemies of Beelzebub', described the scenes to our reporter. "We were just starting our inspirational praise anthem 'We're so good, you're so evil'," said Carson, "when suddenly the power went out and the pigs stormed through the doors waving torches and batons and shouting 'RUC - nobody move!'."

"Everybody immediately dropped their Bibles and crucifix necklaces on the floor and started heading for the emergency exits, but the bastards were waiting for them out the back. It was pandemonium."

RUC Officer Bill Mason confirmed that a number of youths had been taken into custody on suspicion of being 'high on Jesus'. A large quantity of Christian-related items were also recovered, including several hundred rounds of egg-and-onion sandwiches, and 43 plastic bottles of Kia-Ora.

"We'll be keeping a closer eye on this place from now own," said Officer Mason yesterday. "It's a den of iquity."

"I'm from Craigavon", says Portadown man

Portadown resident Brian Cunningham told guests at a Belfast house-party last Saturday that he was from Craigavon. "I usually party in Belfast at the weekends," said Mr Cunningham in Bennett's last night, "because the women around here are fat, twisted and skanky. However I always dread having to tell people up there that I'm from Portadown."

"The same thing happens every time," he continued. "There's an awkward silence, somebody cracks a few light-hearted insults, then all the Catholics quietly slip into the kitchen. A few drinks later, and you're guaranteed that some arsehole will start talking politics, at which point any chance you had of getting a shag is right out the window."

"I never thought I'd see the day when I'd tell people I was from Craigavon instead of from Portadown," added Mr Cunningham. "Still, there you go."

Oxford Island closure forces local gays to drink in Rugby Club
by our alternative lifestyles correspondent, Ben Dover

In an entirely unforseen consequence of the foot and mouth crisis, it appears that the precautionary closure of Oxford Island is forcing Portadown's gay community back in to the closet.

"We've nowhere to meet, and people are resorting to desperate measures," a local homosexual told our reporter in his car last night. "Oxford Island has served Portadown's gay community well for over 30 years, and its sudden closure is a serious cause for concern."

Denied access to the popular beauty spot, regulars are being forced to resort to Portadown Rugby Club. "It's one of the few places in town where outrageously gay men can pose and admire each other without getting immediately kicked to death," continued my source. "Plus the gym's quite good, and they do some really interesting salads at lunch time."

However, the gay community hopes Craigavon Borough Council will urgently reconsider its position on Oxford Island, as the present situation is not sustainable. "After all," concluded my source, "there's only so many times you can ask the wife to stick something up your arse before she realises it's not just 'an experiment'."

"Portadown people are scum", says Guardian reporter
by our media correspondent, Jill Wapping

"Portadown people are the scum of the earth," Guardian reporter Rupert Trotsky told dinner party guests at his Islington town-house last night. "Every summer I've to go stand in a field in the middle of nowhere and get rained on while a bunch of mick arseholes throw rocks at each other, and I'm fucking sick of it."

His guests, colleagues from the small-circulation teacher's daily, nodded in agreement while Rupert's boyfriend, Sebastian, served them Jamie Oliver's 'Pukka Gammon & Pinapple with Duchess Potatoes'.

"I know, everyone's at the end of their rope," added last-minute guest Jemima Windsor. "By the time it's all over the schools are on holiday and you just can't get in anywhere - Jon Snow told me he missed out on the most perfect little villa in Tuscany."

"Ooooh! Name-dropper!" said Sebastian, passing the balsamic vinegar.

Cuntingdon Grove 'crap', admits Estate Agent
by our housing correspondent, Des Res

Leading local estate agent William Joyce has refused to sell houses in the Tandragee Road's new Cuntingdon Grove development, describing them as "too crap, even for us".

"Even estate agents have their limits, and this is ours," explained estate agent Rod Noel yesterday. "I can't trick people into spending £90K on a tasteless plywood box stuck in a bog, miles from anywhere, and right beside the Mahon Fort. They're bound to flood, you know, and already the traffic on Thomas Street in the morning is a nightmare."

Mr Noel continued "I've never understood why people want to live in these places. They're the worst of both worlds: not far enough into the country to be quiet, not near enough town to be convenient. You've to drive four miles for a pint of milk, but you can still hear the neighbours shagging. The quality of life in these development is little better than the quality of their construction."

Asked if there were any good points about Cuntingdon Grove, Mr Noel replied: "Well, if a helicopter crashes into your house, it will probably be too damp to catch fire."